Finding Joy In Tears

I've seen a few people who are having a rough time lately. Some have lost babies and others are having trouble with fertility. Most of them have one thing in common. They don't want to be around friends or family who are pregnant because it hurts, so they distance themselves. I know that hurt.

It's been over a year and a half since we lost our precious baby. It doesn't seem like it's been that long.

My sister in law and I were pregnant at the same time again and it was always fun to talk about what was going on with us and our babies. 

She was a little farther ahead than I was and when she found out that they were having a girl, we were all overjoyed! I love party planning, so I told her that I would like to throw her a shower. 

In the midst of planning a celebration, it happened. I miscarried. I couldn't believe it was happening to ME! I was one of those women. How could this be happening to me!?

After we found out, everywhere I turned in my house, I saw baby things.. things for the shower. I remember just sitting and crying, wondering what I had done to deserve this. Why it had to be me.

Both my sister in law and my husband told me to forget about the shower. My sister in law had begged me to just forget it. She knew the pain too. She had miscarried a few years earlier.

I thought about canceling the shower for about a day. I spent a lot of time that week talking to the Lord. I had prayed about what should I do and asked that he help me figure it out. 

He did.

I decided to go on with the shower. Not because I wasn't hurting but because I was happy for her. Because this baby deserved to be celebrated. I didn't want my heartache to overcome her joy. I'm not saying it was easy, it wasn't. I cried on the way to the shower, setting up and on the way home but I tried my best to put on a happy face for the shower and for her. 

 

My sweet sister in law glowing!

 

The quilt I had made just for our niece.

After the shower, my husband asked if I was ok and asked if I was glad I had done it. I was. It was a blessing to be able to celebrate this precious baby that was joining our family. I wouldn't change my decision even if I could.

My sister in law is my best friend and I knew she was happy. I wanted to share in her happiness. I was hurting, more than I could describe, but I didn't want her to feel guilt for being blessed with a new baby. 

A baby!! If that isn't a reason to be happy, I don't know what is!

A few months had passed, we hadn't been able to get pregnant again and our sweet niece blessed our family. Seeing that sweet, beautiful face the day she was born was a blessing! I cried holding her. I cried for myself because I thought about my baby and I cried tears of joy for my sister in law.

Five months after our niece was born, we found out we were expecting again. It was joyful and terrifying at the same time. Three months ago, we had our rainbow baby. A sweet baby boy that I'm holding as I write this. He has been such a blessing! I don't know why things happen but I know the Lord has a purpose for them, even when we don't understand.

Had I avoided her and anyone else I knew that was pregnant. I feel like I would have missed out on a joyful time in their lives. As family, we are always there for each other, good and bad. Losing a baby was one of the hardest things and she was there for me. Her expecting their sweet girl was important to her and I hope she can say that I was there for her.

 My angel baby wasn't forgotten about and neither was her precious girl.